I'm lost and stupid without you.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
