So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
