Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
