Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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