i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
