I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
