3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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