he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
