I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
