i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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