Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
