Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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