i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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