Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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