She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
