Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
