You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
