my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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