the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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