Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
