Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
