dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
