Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
