I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
