I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize