just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize