just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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