K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that š I went with "no"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You know itās going to be a rough day when you scream āGet fuckedā at your alarm clock
Randomize
