Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think a kid would responsible me up
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
