Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
