So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Never joke about your clitoris.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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