I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize