Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
