Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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