Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
