Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
