You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
