Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
This is my gift to your gina
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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