This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
