it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
