I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
