I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
We need to rekindle our bromance
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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