I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
