shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
