i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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