i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
