Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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