I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
