OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
