you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
