That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
