If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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