get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
