man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
