I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
is that a dick in a sweater?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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