He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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