yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize