Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
