I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
