my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
