You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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