my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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