is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
