Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
